alternative title: yoodie rambles about his life

so identifying as he/them is a pretty new thing for me. in fact while feelings have been swirling around inside my head for a while i think my site is the first time i actually typed out my pronous as he/them rather than he/him. so in the spirit of my blog being a lil window to the inside of my head (and partially for me to fully put my thoughts in order) here's a write up on why i chose to switch my prounouns.

growing up i did always feel like a boy, i never really questioned that part. but i def felt like a "different" boy. i wanted the playset kitchen, but i got the workbench. i wanted to play with dolls, but i got rescue heros (which looking back, not even mad BANGER fucking toy line). in school i would get teased a lot for "acting like a girl". probably didn't help that i had a pretty high pitched voice, could drop a great horror movie level scream (i will never forgive puberty from taking that essential life skill from me), and generally acted a bit more flamboyant than your typical boy.

part of the problem came from my dad. i love the man with all my heart but he was and still to a good extent is someone who really beleived in traditional gender roles. boys should dress and act a certain way, and girls should dress and act a certain way. i think i internalized that somewhat, which didnt help with the confusion when i wanted to do all these traditionally girl-coded activities. i was just a kid, how was i supposed to know any better?

of course, as i got into puberty things change. my voice dropped and i hit a growth spurt. i was a bit of a late bloomer, but by the time highschool came around a lot of the teasing for being "girly" somewhat dropped off. i also think in the desperate teenage desire to fit in i repressed a lot of those tendencies. no i dont want to paint my nails thats what GIRLS do. i started wearing more collared shirts instead of graphic tees and hoodies to give off a more male look.

i had a few friends i could still fully be myself around, let loose and not worry about all the bullshit. i remember one time two of my girl besties asked if they could paint my nails and i let them. i loved it. so much. but of course as soon as i got home i was rolling my eyes and telling my parents "oh, they just wanted to paint my nails for fun, so i humored them." i took it off that very night, not only because my parents wanted me to, but i was scared of what my classmates would think at school.

things slowly started shifting as i progressed through my years of post secondary schooling. when i dropped out of uni and enrolled in tech school i changed up my look: baggy pants like sweatpants and joggers, oversized crewnecks and hoodies, and a closet full of vans. i felt for the first time i was just wearing clothes because thats what i wanted to wear. i got a girlfriend i felt that i could be myself with all the time, and allowed my sassy and flamboyant side to come back out. i was slowly figuring out who i wanted to be.

fast forward a few years of full time work and a breakup, and i think im pretty close to figuring it out. im more out there with my fashion, strappy cargo pants with anime/nerd shirts and jackets, some jewlery, a closet im really happy with (dark triad streetwear weeb?). i grew my hair out, i paint my nails freely now. i wear cute girl-coded things because damn thats cute as fuck and i want to wear it (hell my vrchat avatar just straight up is a girl and yall i have so many cute outfits my vr drip goes craaaaaazy). it may have taken nearly 25 years, but hey i made it. and on the bright side still have a solid 15 years until a midlife crisis!

so back to why he/them. cause i mean, i still identify as a boy. and unless im the slowest cooking egg in the world, that probably isnt going to change. but i guess the them part is my personal metaphorical middle finger to anyone out there who is trying to shove me down into some gendered box. i like cute things, and having my hair long, and painting my nails, and hell even dressing up in a skirt and stockings in the comfort of my own home (im not totally over public judgement yet, cut me some slack T-T). i reject the bullshit system and replace it with my own, where im free to do whatever the hell i want and be happy because of it.

i think a lot of this shift also came with trying to figure out my whole queer identity, but thats a whole nother can o worms that ill leave closed for now.

if you somehow read all this, thanks for reading. its kinda weird writing about personal stuff on a site that technically anyone in the world could read, but at the same time its nice to just get it all out there.